The Failed Query

I've talked about the query I wrote that resulted in an offer of representation from Bob Mecoy. But what I haven't talked about in detail is the query I tried to write before that which was not as successful.


There were a number of reasons the first query was terrible. First of all, I spent a lot of time looking at other queries. That isn't a bad thing, but not every book requires the same kind of query and there are certain phrases that tend to be particular to various genres, phrases that are hard to avoid (but should be), and a general instinct to try and mimic something that was successful for someone else. Secondly, I tried to use a group of folks to help me refine my query. Again, this isn't specifically a bad thing, but it's important to A) have folks familiar with the genre you write and B) think more or less like you do if you want useful feedback.


So. I researched and the basic advice was "Read successful queries. Write a query for your own project. Get feedback. Revise until everyone likes it." I read QueryShark and dug through the Query Letter Hell at the Absolute Write Water Cooler, then I wrote a query. And then revised it based on well-intentioned, but not overall helpful feedback. That process was frustrating because I wound up rehashing the same stuff over and over again. (There were versions in between the ones posted below that no one saw but me.) Eventually I tried condensing my entire plot into a single sentence and that resulted in my "start with a logline" approach and I haven't looked back. However, it occurred to me it might be helpful to look at that first query and see what wasn't working.


Here's the first take.

Since childhood, Keira Fennel's closest friend has been her father. Despite the long months he spends away – investigating the misuse of magic – Padraig is the most important person in Keira's life.
When Padraig's spring-form heart – a device that warns of danger to the person who built it – breaks, Keira knows there is only thing for her to do: go to London and find him before it is too late to save him.
It doesn't matter that getting to London means running away from the magic school at Ballaghadarreen Abbey, stowing aboard an airship bound for Great Britain, making an ally out of a Scottish shape-shifter and confronting a brutal serial killer who uses magic and silver as his weapons. Da is in danger and Keira will do whatever she must to find him.
As Keira's friendship with Lowen McCrae, the were-wolf Scotsman, grows into something more intimate, they both fall deeper into danger. With her Fey magic bound by an iron collar, Keira tries to do the right thing and her father is killed for it. Desperate not to lose both of the men she loves, she makes a terrible choice to try and save Lowen's life.
Realizing that her betrayal is worse than death, Keira will draw on the darker blood-magic of the All-Father of the Undying and risk the cold immortality as a vampire to save Lowen.

This version is a not-inaccurate overview of the main plot and conflicts. But it had some problems. (That third paragraph is... cumbersome to say the least.) It lacked some of the intrinsic stakes in the story, the things that go deeper than just the main plot and conflict. And it didn't give proper weight to the conclusion of the story. So, I revised and produced a slightly different version. 

Since childhood, Keira Fennel's closest friend has been her father, despite the long months he spends away investigating the misuse of magic.

When Padraig's spring-form heart – a device that warns of danger to the person who built it – breaks, Keira knows there is only thing for her to do: go to London and save him.

It doesn't matter that getting to London means running away from the Spinners School of Magic at Ballaghadarreen Abbey, stowing aboard an airship bound for Great Britain, making an ally out of a Scottish shape-shifter and confronting a brutal serial killer called The Ripper who uses magic and silver as his weapons. Da is in danger and Keira is too stubborn to go home without him.

As Keira's friendship with Lowen McCrae, the were-wolf Scotsman, grows into something more intimate, they confront Devereaux, a man deadlier than The Ripper. He has a plan for Keira – to build forbidden devices crafted from the blood of shape-shifters. To prompt her cooperation, Devereaux murders Padraig and threatens to do the same with Lowen. Desperate to save at least one of the men she loves, Keira capitulates.

When Devereaux proceeds to use Lowen as part of his experiments anyway, Keira draws on the blood-magic of the Undying – risking the cold immortality of a vampire – to save him.

I actually liked version two despite the fact that it was a little long, but the folks who were offering critique did not. Some of this was due to not being familiar with the SF/F genres. In fact, many of the comments focused on the fact that I didn't discuss the relationship between Lowen and Keira enough. Or that there were too many terms that they didn't understand. 

It's possible that if I had sent this query out it would have been successful, but in the end, I felt I could do better. I hammered out a logline. (I actually tried to get feedback on that and was nearly as frustrated that time too. Mostly because a lot of the feedback consisted of "Loglines don't have a place in querying.") Then I worked that out into a solid query letter that I felt really nailed the heart of the novel. 

And then, in the end, I also sent out some queries that only had the logline and my publication credits in it and had an immediate response asking for the full. And two weeks later a phone call offering representation. 

What does all this mean? When it comes to a query you need to do your research on how to write a query. And then you need to follow your gut. 

There is a general structure and format for queries, but in the end you know what your novel is about. You know all the bits that make it special, the character quirks and strengths that make them compelling. You have to make the final decision about what to put in the query, but you are also in the best position to do that. 

I liked my initial attempt at the query, but I didn't love it. I didn't get the sense of satisfaction I got when I wrote the one I used successfully. Maybe it was just a question of sitting with the project a little longer. Maybe the practice writing the failed query helped. But I also learned that the best way for me to write a pitch is to start with a logline to help me see the overall structure of my story. And that was not something I would have learned if I had continued to try and write my query based on the method I had been presented.

In fact, I have come to wonder if the concept of thrashing through draft after draft of a query is perhaps not as helpful as it seems. I've talked to other authors who have mentioned writing dozens of drafts of their query over a year and a half (and still not being finished). But that's the process they've been told is necessary. (And I'm not saying just write one query and be done with it, but in general if you're writing the same thing over and over and over with only minor progress over a period of months or years, you may need to rethink your process.)

So. What do you think? Was I right to scrap this query and go my own way?